Thursday, 10 October 2013

This blog, and other things I never get round to doing

Hmm. I haven't updated this blog since MARCH, which is such a long time that it's a bit like being dead, really. Maybe you thought I was dead, unless you follow me on Twitter, (@lucytweet1 if you like idiocy!). If you do follow me, you might have either wished me dead, or at the very least quietly muted me and browsed the Guardian for recipes for plum cobbler.

Anyway, I'm not dead, not yet, but sometimes I wonder about all the things I'll never get round to doing before I die. All that unaddressed stuff that everyone says they'll do but won't. Don't worry, I'm not talking about a Bucket List. It's much more stupid than that. Because these things are silly to even think about. You can't honestly say this stuff is left undone because of procastination, because that would suggest that you've attempted to do something about it. No, this is stuff that I will never get done, not in a million years, but I've still managed to convince myself that one day I will do them. These things form a layer of pointless, dormant ambition sitting on top of my brain, like skin on a custard. (Mmm, brain custard, a perfect accompaniment to Brain Cobbler.)

5 Things I Won't Do Ever

1. Become a captivating singer songwriter
Ok, so I made a record once, before my child came and RUINED EVERYTHING by asking for water and food and hugs and stuff. Actually, I made two! But the thing was, it was with people who did things like book the rehearsals and the recordings while I swanned in holding a takeaway coffee and complaining about being a bit chilly. On my own, I am A Person Who Owns A Guitar. I'm not even Annoying Git Who Plays Guitar At Parties, because my unique take on grumbling ovary alt-folk can clear a room. So, Laura Marling, don't worry, love, you're safe.

2. Write a sitcom
Since I was about 15, I've made about 3000 frankly pathetic attempts to write a sitcom. They're all crap. I will never write a Seinfeld, or a Curb Your Enthusiasm. I won't even write a 'Yus My Dear' with me in the role of Arthur Mullard. It distresses me that I will never be Tina Fey or Lena Dunham or Mindy Kaling - or Arthur Mullard - but it's probably for the best.

3. Reading Great Books
Yeah, I'll just casually drop some reference to Anna Karenina into conversation while we're having a latte at literary festival. Or I'll whip out A La Recherche Des Temps Perdu on the bus. Ah, who am I kidding?  I read Middlemarch last year and it nearly fucking killed me. There was hardly any shagging in it at all and not one single cameo by Kiri Te Kanawa or Nigel Havers. 

4. Skiing
I once went to a ski resort and I didn't ski. Even though I think skiing is dangerous and unpleasant, annoyingly, this is one of my big regrets. When my life flashes before my eyes, there'll just be a big film of me not going on a ski lift and not crowbarring my arse into any salopettes. I tell myself if I try to ski, then my life will come full circle and I will have faced my deepest fears. But there is NO FUCKING WAY I WILL EVER GO SKIING BECAUSE IT WILL KILL ME.

5. Helping the needy
In my mind's eye I have always been a pale, noble, almost saintly figure, running a hospital in Africa. Or someone who gives up my Christmasses to trade fruity banter and lukewarm gravy with the homeless. Sorry, poor people, but I can't be arsed. However I will sometimes send £5 if you grow a moustache/stop drinking/run a 10k on a Sunday morning - if I remember.

There are loads more other things I'll never do, like watching the Sopranos and Nurse Jackie, and finding the perfect red lipstick, and making a brilliant pavlova. I will probably never go to Australia. (It's far.) But 5 things is probably enough, and you're probably dealing with your own top five stupid things you'll never do, too. So I'll leave you to not do them while I get on with not doing any of my stuff. See you in March. xx