Thursday, 13 January 2011

The Neverending Tidy

Do you want to hear my personal theory on why Sylvia Plath stuck her head in the gas oven? Because I bet Ted Hughes never did the washing up. Bet he was always wandering around in his chunky knit jumpers, thinking up eerie metaphors about hawks, putting out his fags in the butter, and one day she just went apeshit. You want some dinner, Ted? Want some fucking dinner? Here you go. If only she'd had cBeebies and £3.99 Pinot Grigio, she'd still be alive today.

But even if that wasn't the reason - and let's say, to avoid being sued by Ted Hughes' estate, that it wasn't - I'm definitely beginning to understand a little better why Sylv so pointedly chose a domestic labour-saving device to end it all. Surely her depression must have been exacerbated by what I like to call 'The Neverending Tidy'. The daily, grinding, eternal odyssey of crap jobs that need doing all the time, the picking up and straightening up, the mountain of washing, the fluff under the sofa, the jam on the telly, the perpetually full sink of jolly plastic dishes with congealed tomato-based shit on them. When a woman first embarks on the Neverending Tidy, fresh faced and wet behind the ears, she foolishly thinks that she is 'getting things done'. Ha! Then, she sets off on her long, lonely journey, which takes in such fantastical places as Cillit Mountain, Swiffer Island and The Scary Drawer of Doom. She grows older. Her faces gets vinegary and resentful. Her tights go baggy at the ankles like Nora Batty.

The strange thing is, throughout her lifelong trek, there are no men to be seen. Just odd socks, stray toys and spillage upon spillage. When she becomes weary she drinks from the Blossom Hill Waterfall and smokes the mysterious herb of Silk Cut. Occasionally, she may meet a wise old crone who will look after the kids for 5 minutes while she goes to the shops. But her bunioned feet will keep taking her on the pointless, circuitous route around the house, tidying and tidying until the carpet is as worn out as she is. After years of this, she may one day request that her husband takes the rubbish out and will attain official 'Nag' status, a position that will render her unlovable and the butt of 'her indoors' jokes for the rest of her life. The children will grow older and leave home, but still she'll carry on her endless quest, picking things up and wiping things off. Then, one day, she'll bend down to get some annoying crumbs just out of reach of her J-cloth and....DARKNESS.

Fucking hell, I need a cleaner. It's either that or Gas Mark 6.

15 comments:

  1. I don't have time to leave a comment, there are socks everywhere.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Someone get me off this ride!!! But then if I'm not constantly tidying up what will I do?
    Great post x

    ReplyDelete
  3. Totally agree with you about the tyranny of the neverending tidy. Which is why my system involves never starting down that route.

    Instead, I have worked out a way to live in the spaces between the rubbish mountains. It's totally easier than actually tacking the mess.

    ReplyDelete
  4. good plan. One rubbish mountain coming up...

    ReplyDelete
  5. I hate to piss on your parade, but I found the pre-cleaner tidy the most wretched of all. Every Thursday, I would waft blissfully through my day only to realise *at bedtime* that the cleaner would be arriving at 9am and I had yet to scrape the layer of surface shit off everything to perpetuate the illusion that we are a civilised people.
    It wasn't worth it. Back to the coalface.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Loved this.

    An alternative is to down tools and live in filth, with dustballs billowing

    ReplyDelete
  7. i fucking love you...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thank you for the lovely comments... as soon as I finish cleaning I will write another post xx

    ReplyDelete
  9. I've just found you and I love you. come over to Rothesay and we'll get pished on Tonic Wine and let the weans play in the traffic.

    Ali x

    Word Verification: Quiltilip: a patchwork fanny

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm a bloke & whilst your article was very funny I want to point out that there are many good chaps like myself who also do the neverending tidy thing when their good ladies don't.
    I also do a reasonable share of the cooking and child rearing etc, so please don't pigeonhole all men as being useless buggers.

    Dick

    ReplyDelete
  11. Damn! I love you so much I'm following you TWICE!

    ReplyDelete
  12. You are now my official girl crush. I join all the others above in loving this blog!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I think you might be my soulmate! My friend posted me a link to the Olympics & Sun cream posts, loved them so much that I carried on reading. Was this post printed in Beautiful magazine? I have a hard copy of it from somewhere as it struck such a chord with me! My friend must know me better than I thought! Love your work but must dash now, I have a two year-old son who's overdosed on Raa Raa and is waiting for me to take him to 'Silly Billy's' play warehouse and purveyor of deep-fried smileys. Keep up the good work! x

    ReplyDelete
  14. Obat Stroke Iskemik Herbal Alami adalah sebuah solusi untuk anda yang bingung mencari obat untuk mengatasi penyakit stroke, selain itu ada juga Obat Untuk Mengobati Stroke Ringan Herbal yang memang banyak dicari karena sekarang ini banyak sekali penderita penyakit stroke ringan. Obat Stroke Tradisional Alami Ampuh, memang sangat ampuh karena terbuat dari bahan-bahan tradisional. Obat Untuk Stroke Ringan Yang Manjur juga sangat ampuh untuk mengatasi stroke ringan. Untuk itu Obat Penyakit Stroke Alami dan Tradisional sangat membantu sekali untuk pengobatan penyakit stroke. Obat Mujarab Untuk mengobati Penyakit Stroke merupakan sebuah obat mujarab yang banyak dijadikan alternatif oleh banyak orang, Obat Penyakit Stroke Alami dan Tradisional dan Obat Alami Untuk Mengobati Penyakit Stroke ini sudah banyak membantu orang-orang yang mengidap penyakit stroke dengan menggunakan Obat Untuk Penyakit Stroke Paling Ampuh. Obat Herbal Untuk Penderita Penyakit Stroke ini sangat aman, karena terbuat dari bahan alami yang 100% herbal. Obat Tradisional Untuk Penyakit Stroke Berat pun tersedia untuk anda yang memang mengalmai stroke berat. Untuk itu baik Obat Tradisional Untuk Menyembuhkan Penyakit Stroke, Obat Untuk Mengobati Stroke Ringan Maupun Berat, ataupun Obat Herbal Yang Mampu Untuk Mengobati Penyakit Stroke sangat baik dan berkhasiat sangat tinggi untuk mengobati penyakit stroke hingga tuntas.

    ReplyDelete