Thursday, 24 November 2011

DECAY. Moral, physical, tooth

WOOP! I always like to start the day with a bit of chat about DECAY, don't you? Would you like some slow inexorable decline on that toast? No? How about a cup of IMMINENT DEATH? Go on, you know you want to! Hey, where are you going? What do you mean Daybreak's on and you want to see whether Christine Bleakley has tears of despair in her eyes? HEY!!! Your death's going cold!

I don't want to get all Liz Jones on yo ass, but last weekend I had what could only be described as bit of 'rough and tumble' with my husband. Not in front of the children, all very above board, nothing wrong with that. Except beforehand, while I was out, some barman had convinced me to sample a whisky called Glenkinchie, which tasted like it had been strained through the seat covers of the Glasgow to Aberdeen megabus. I don't tend to drink whisky, on account that I cannot fucking stand it, but it had the effect of making our conjugal relations slightly more enthusiastic than normal - (normal being 'lying on back thinking about getting a new table lamp'.)

Now I don't know whether it was the shock of this unaccustomed nocturnal activity or just the fact that I was drunk and pushing 4o, but in the night I took a turn. Being the best mother ever (or so I imagined), I stumbled to the kitchen at 3 am to get my coughing child some Calpol, but then started to feel pretty weird and fainted. I came to underneath my husband's bike with a massive streak of oil and a tyre mark across my belly. Somewhere far away, I could hear Lance Armstrong tutting. My husband hauled me into the bed, checked my pulse, asked me my name, and satisfied that I was still alive, let me go to sleep.

'Mummy, why did you fall down in the night?' my innocent boy asked in the morning. 'Mummy got up too quickly,' said Mummy, cursing the Laird of Glenkinchie and his evil minions. But I knew the truth. 'I am a lush,' I said to myself. 'I am no better than a randy Hogarthian crone begging for change outside the gin palace. I need to get my shit together and do something boring with my life, like yoga.'

Since then, there have been other depressing indicators of my moral and physical decay. My teeth look knackered. My hair is dry. My hormones are doing a horrible dance around the kitchen. My legs are dim, my nose is knackered etc. Everything is falling apart and with it comes an anxious realisation that I am getting old and will one day DIE. I either need a trip to A&E or one hell of a Groupon spa deal.

Then the other day, my child came back from the dentist and was told not to have any juice, or jam or anything children like EVER because he had some decay forming on his teeth. So not only am I sliding into decay, but he is too. More guilt! More self loathing! Since then I've been hovering over him with toothpaste, snatching biscuits out of his hand and trying to keep him away from Haribo. I'm a bad mother! I'm a drunk and my wean's teeth are like toffee! The shame! The shame!

God, it's so stressful. In fact, it's enough to drive you to drink.



  1. Thank you. Reading that has made this week more bearable.

    I will be carrying this line around in my head, and chuckling, for the rest of the day:

    'Somewhere far away, I could hear Lance Armstrong tutting.'

    Chink Chink *raises a glas of Whisky to the Laptop*.

  2. Some friends and I are planning to start a 'Randy Hogarthian Crone' commune in the not too distant future - care to join us? You'd fit right in....

  3. Without preventive care, the affect of enamel decay on child construction may also be striking.Xylitol balances the pH in your mouth leaving it wholesome. thanks for the wonderful writing.

  4. Laughed my socks off at this.

    Yanno what I don't like? When you look at your teeth, right, you're looking at your SKULL. And I quite like the thought of my skull being hidden out of sight beneath the rest of me not taking part in normal stuff like chewing the toggle on my duffle-coat.

    Every day, all that's going to left of you grins back at you through a toothpasty smile. I f*cking HATE that!

    *rattles glass with ice in it* pass the booze.

  5. This has given me a right laugh. I'm no whisky drinker, and this has reminded me why!
    My kids are very gullible, and refer to me as "feeling poorly, poor mummy" if I'm hungover... I'm such a slack parent.
    Yeah, we're all decaying away here, what ya gonna do? Have a drink, I reckon!
    Curtise x

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