Despite spending several hours this week obsessing about my health (flabby, out of shape, loud creaking trap door noise every time I bend over), I refuse to subscribe to the traditional January obsession with weight loss. When it's minus OMG outside, grilled peppers and bulghar wheat will just not do. You must smother your face with stilton and slide down the nearest hill on a sledge made of pastry! You must buy a Remoska slow cooker from Lakeland and fill it with MEAT!
And let's face it, the incentive just isn't there. Yesterday I found myself subjected to the sight of 'actress' Hannah Waterman - a Z-list bloater who is now a Z-list Twiglet. Obviously she expects the universe to give a shit, which it does, but only because it wants to see whether she'll put the weight on again and explode during an episode of Strictly Let's Dance On Celebrity Ice. The thing nobody has mentioned though, is that her fake tanned face has deflated so much that she looks like a 90 year old Italian pensioner sitting under an olive tree in a SAGA holiday brochure. Weird.
Then yesterday I passed an advert featuring another ex Eastenders alumnus - Lucy 'Who?' Benjamin, a woman of such terrifying obscurity that her own mum probably wonders who she is. In the ad a miniaturized Lucy is sitting on what looks like a packet of tampons, under the headline 'Lucy's Secret.' The 'secret' refers to some ghastly over-the-counter fat dissolving pill which probably makes you leak lard out of every orifice. But still, at least Lucy is a real life weight loss success- she's now a dwarf who lives in a little cardboard box and drinks tea out of a thimble. Result!
Strangely, neither of these people have made me want to go on a diet.
10 months ago